The weight of
my bipolar-ness has crushed my very existence this last week, and I can’t
foresee any reprieve in the near future.
Every time my moods plummet and my ability to think is stymied and the
voices steal my attention from everything outside of myself, I feel like this
is the last time~~like my madness has finally consumed me~~like my will to
survive has been beaten out of me~~like my future is no longer viable. I am so tired of the fight. I could lay myself down and close my eyes
forever to dream of better times~~times when I did not know this plague of the
mind~~times before these vicious storms ravaged my brain~~times when I could
convincingly pretend to be “normal.”
What
now? I feel that I would be better off
dead. I know what a nightmare my death
would bring upon the people I love~~I love them too much to kill myself. Still there is the pain~~the real mental
pain~~that I must bear . . . that people do not understand . . . that some do
not even believe exists. How fortunate
they are~~the nonbelievers! I hope they
are never appointed to walk my path though sometimes I secretly wish they were. I’d gladly hand over this plague.
Sometimes I
am a hypocrite. I try to educate,
support and encourage my fellow Beeper Peeps when I don’t really believe
anything I say. Well, I do believe but just
not in that moment. I am always sincere,
but it is difficult to be hopeful in the midst of the vicious “brain” storms. There are times when I just have to
retreat~~times when I just don’t give a shit~~times when I am fighting for my
life. I suppose I am doing that now . .
. writing to no one in particular.
~~Tracey Lynn Barfield
