Fleeting Friendships.

For the most part, I have always found friendships fleeting and exceedingly painful. People who professed to be friends throughout childhood and high school would attend classes with me, but never really knew me, the slightest transgression would result in the termination of the relationship. I had had three people profess to be my best friend and yet they abandoned me unexpectedly (except for the last one) I never understood why. People move away, others change friends when someone more interesting comes along, people change. Who knew? I never did ask too many personal questions nor divulge my innermost feelings to anyone. Perhaps we do not know one another or ourselves as well as we would like to think that we do. I never understood at the time that a relationship is only as close as we allow ourselves to be. It is dependent upon how many parts of ourselves we are willing to share with another human being. I had little experience with genuine friendships. I was of the mindset that sisters and families fought and not friends. Throughout my adolescence my friends were all six years senior to me. I did not fight and argue with them. They were my sages, my mentors, my teachers and guides. I learned a lot from them, except how to interact with people my own age.

Up until I was twenty seven years old, I had never shared all parts of myself  with another woman friend my own age before.The day I met her I was so nervous I could not sit still in her presence. She made me incredibly nervous and I never understood why. I never knew at the time that this person would become so close to me, yet I must have sensed it as the fight or flight mode kicked in immediately. I was pulled in two opposite directions from the onset and that pretty much defined the relationship. I did not know I had bipolar disorder as of yet.

The friendship was bittersweet, tumultuous and complicated once we dove deeper into one another's psyches. It was an emotional, mental, and spiritual roller coaster ride. I never fully understood why she had meant so much to me. I only knew friends ought not to have hurt one another as much as we did. One should not feel so drained and exhausted. To say the friendship was intense is an understatement. The damage we inflicted on one another was irreparable.

I understood later that my bipolar disorder caused so much friction between us. (I had not been properly diagnosed or treated) for the most part of our relationship. To be told by her that it was bad enough that she had to work with people like me all day with her job and have it in her personal life too was a hurt beyond words. And yet, in hindsight knowing the dark side of humanity she encountered day after day with her job, I realized that I was a dead weight, a burden she did not need. I suppose from then on, I made it impossible for her to stay and subconsciously set a plan in motion to leave her, before she would leave me. In the end, we distanced ourselves from one another, the communication was rote and more a matter of obligation than sincerity, I knew she was just being polite whenever she called. The calls to me hurt as I could almost predict what she would say. I asked her not to call me anymore and she did not. I did this in the most cowardly fashion by leaving a message on her answering machine rather than telling her so in person. I am not proud of this. It is one of my deepest regrets. But I could not imagine an amicable way of terminating the relationship, to walk away if I had seen her or spoken to her in person. The fact that she never call me and how easy it seemed for her convinced me that I had done the right thing. I had granted her the freedom she so desperately wanted.

Though I tried to make amends after my illness was diagnosed and treated, she wanted no part of me. I have since made many friends both normal and mentally ill  in person and all over the world online through this disorder and a page I began on Facebook for bipolars, many who understood my illness and I no longer had the upsets I had with her. I found my voice and have discussed mental illness publicly at meetings, lectures and such at colleges, high schools, a rally and once at a church. I have no fears of speaking to live audiences and writing and talking about this disorder. I could identify and express my feelings honestly with others. I had lost the single most important friendship I had ever had in my life. I love all of my friends dearly, they each hold a special place in my heart, I have never experienced that bond again.  If not for her and the lessons she taught me, I would not have made the changes I needed to make, set the priorities I needed to set in my life, and gotten the help that I needed. I cannot deny this. And I won't.