If Only People Tried to Understand.

If your loved one had cancer, ALS, or any other illness would you blame them, or worse walk out on them? Would you stop loving and caring about them purely because they were afflicted with a disease they neither wanted nor asked for? It may surprise my family and friends to know just how many members of my mental health group have lost loved ones due to a mental illness they neither wanted nor asked for either. It is painful to know that many, many of them have coped with this, done what they need to do in order to survive and yet are still rejected, isolated and alone rejected by their own family. Many are able to maintain relationships now that they were unable to do in the past due to the condition they were in at the time, but remain unforgiven. It hurts when I hear sons and daughters unwilling to forgive their own parents or even try to understand their side of things too. I cannot imagine being disowned by my children, they are so near and dear to me. Nor can I imagine not being granted access to my grandchildren. Many people who comply with treatment are able to lead productive lives, maintain relationships and live rewarding lives, if society and especially those they love but give them a chance. Every day I hear such sorrowful stories from thousands of persons all over the world. People I have never met except on this pathway of pain. I know how blessed I am that my family never gave up on me, and to have a life's partner who stands by me and loves me through it all. It is possible to work through the madness, the darkness and the pain and inspire others to do the same. People need to know they are not alone and they are accepted and loved. That is all any of us want!! Lynn-Marie Ramjass

I Don't Blame Every Thought, Feeling and Action I Have on My Disorder, Don't You Dare Do that Either!!!

I hope this resonates with a lot of people and you share it. As it needs to be said. I have been stable for going on nineteen years and hospital free. I get upset at times when things befall me which any other person would under the same circumstances. It is unfair and insulting to me to constantly blame anything I say or do on my disorder. Or if I am angry or hurt to ask me if I took my medication. I am not a child and I certainly resent being treated like one. When I am not thinking clearly or lucidly, believe me, I am more than aware of it, and know enough to seek help. I have buried many loved ones and not fallen apart at the seams as some may have supposed that I would. I am not a fragile person just because I have this disorder. It is not a character defect or a weakness. In fact, if others knew what it was like to live with this, or experienced the times I did free fall into lunacy, they would understand the remarkable resiliency and strength it takes to crawl out of that black hole. I am honest with my thoughts and feelings. People cannot play games with my heart and expect me not to react. I don't play games. You either love me as I am, accept me as I am, or you don't. I have survived a lot in my life time. Also, when I love I love deeply and genuinely and I will always love you, but that does not mean that I can always be with those I love. For the sake of my sanity, I have had to distance myself from people who trigger me, that includes members of my own family. For the sake of my immediate family, particularly my sons and grandchildren, I will not allow anything or anyone to push me over that edge again. I do what I must to keep sane. Set boundaries, let people know what you need and expect from them. If you need to be alone for a while, say so. If you need a hug, someone to just listen and not judge or try to fix you. We need people to accept us and love us and be there for us. They cannot walk through this fire for us, but they can assure us that they will be there for us when we emerge the other side of hell. Lynn-Marie.

Disconnected

Sometimes I suffer bouts of insomnia. I never know when this will happen. Nor do I like to rely on sleeping pills in order to sleep. I have sleep apnea and must wear a mask, as I tend to stop breathing in my sleep. My husband snores like a buzz saw and I know he has restless leg syndrome, as he kicks weirdly in his sleep, but he flatly refuses to check it out. I am unable to wear ear plugs as they bother me, and so I am the one who generally ends up in the living room on the couch. My CPAP machine in our room as it is a cumbersome device. I awaken every hour on the hour and then feel I had not slept at all.
I have not slept very well these last few weeks and when I don't sleep I get irritable. And when I am impatient and irritable and snap at others, (my husband and sister as they live with me) I feel guilty and then I feel shame. And a shitload of other emotions pile one atop the other. I hate it. I often feel I am drowning, or cannot catch my breath. And those closest to me don't understand this, well face it, my husband doesn't understand this. My sister might, since she has asthma and GAD generalized anxiety disorder.
I feel misunderstood most of the time and not heard. That drives me round the bend. When I have to constantly repeat myself. Communicating with people is exhausting. I have been with my husband close to forty years and he still cannot tell me why he loves me. He cannot name a single attribute other than he thinks that I am pretty. I don't feel pretty not when I get upset and angry and frustrated and rail at him for not understanding what it is I want and need even when I tell him and make my needs known. I am praying a lot these days. There is a constant tightness in my chest. I feel tears behind my eyes that won't come. I feel disconnected. And that concerns me. I have felt this way before and I don't like it.

The Descent into Madness is Terrifying

Thoughts for January 9, 2013

I wrote the following two years ago.

Before you were diagnosed did you wonder why certain books, poems, artists, musicians, writers, composers, movies, etc. resonated with you? Did you feel a kinship with its characters, story, background? Did you look in the looking glass, fall down that rabbit hole, take a walk on the wild side in your imagination long before it became a crack in your real world? I have always felt that kinship though it was years before I understood why. The passion and the pain are so profound. I have flown like Icarus so close to the sun and had my wings burned plummeting to the earth faster than the speed of sound, the ears ringing, the mind spinning, the heart beating wildly in my chest, thinking I would die before I hit the ground. You lay there broken, beaten, bleeding and unable to function, fragments of a formal self scattered everywhere, wondering if you shall ever walk, let alone fly again. You gradually begin to crawl, one foot in front of the other, doing all you can to gain your strength. As much as you enjoyed that momentary ecstatic magic, the descent into madness is terrifying. You cannot be there for others when your wings are broken, when you are in a cage, bruised and broken and unable to function. It takes time to process what happened to you. It takes time to find the right treatment and it takes courage to ask for help.

Lynn-Marie.