It has been four weeks since I last wrote in this blog. I would like to write more regularly, not entirely certain that anyone would be interested in what I have to say. I write, none the less, for I find it therapeutic. It allows me to get my thoughts and especially my feelings out there on paper. I may see them, get in touch with them and feel them. The words express what I am feeling. It is often difficult for me to figure that out. In this way, I am better able to understand them. If I do not express myself, if I try to suppress them (these intense emotions), if I bury them too far for too long, they will either smother me, or rise one day, down the road and the hidden grief would drive me into infinite lunacy.
Having bipolar disorder, anyone who has it, or lives with someone who has it, knows that our emotions are intense. We cannot help it, it is the nature of the illness. We are intense complex individuals. The mood stabilizer I am on stabilizes my moods. It does its job, it does not allow me to feel the full weight of my emotions. Some people may argue that that is a good thing. But I often feel cheated!!! Especially when I face a trauma. I used to feel the full weight of my emotions straight away; good, bad, or indifferent, I knew what I felt and I felt it to my core.
It was sunny earlier today, cool, but sunny. Suddenly dark, black, ominous clouds completely blotted out the sun. They seemed to appear out of no where. The sky blue sky became many shades of grey. It looks like a storm is brewing. The trees are not swaying, there is no wind, but a downpour is on the horizon. The sun at this very moment, is in one portion of the sky, the south west hemisphere, and it is trying to peer through these massive clouds. Now the question becomes will it rain heavily or will the sun win and the clouds drift away? Will it rain as heavily as anticipated? Or will those clouds all disappear and the rain hold off until later tonight? Will it rain at all?
Thus far, there has only been some light drizzle, a few drops against the window pane, like the tears that sometimes well my eyes,as I sit writing this. I am aware that this reminds me of my current situation and my mood concerning Molly our dog.
Whether we have a mental illness or not, life's situations, and our emotions, reactions to these events are like this, the weather. Things can be going well and suddenly, out of a clear blue sky, a storm threatens and something traumatic happens. Lets say for example, you have to put your dog to sleep, as we had to yesterday. That is our current storm in our household. I, personally, have never had to put a dog down before.I did not know how I'd feel. I prepared for it, however. Or so I thought.
The storm hit me, my husband and my sister as she lives with us. And she is closest to the dog. But of the three of us, I was the only one who at first did not appear visibly shaken by it. What is wrong with me? Am I that callous? Did I not care for the dog at all? Where there should have been a fierce downpour, there had only been a light drizzle. A few tears and not much rain. I felt cheated as I said earlier because when we first did it, I felt numb. I did not react at first, as I thought I should have. Where a storm threatened and then struck, I experienced a gentle drizzle, just as it seemed outside. A fierce storm was imminent, but did not happen.
When traumas blind side us, or even when we brace ourselves for the impact, as I thought that I had, are we ever fully prepared for the variety of emotions that come with it? The emotions envelop you like those clouds, I spoke of earlier and they completely block out your sunshine. They take away your peace, jumble your emotions and your thoughts. For many of us, it is practically impossible to think straight under such enormous pressure
We all saw that our dog was suffering. She was partially blind and partially deaf and so arthritic, she was unable to stand properly or walk without losing her balance. We have had Molly our Sheltie for 15 1/2 years. As the owner I knew what is to happen. My dog will die that day but my dog doesn't know this, as I pet her, talk to her, not even certain she can hear me, I say my good byes holding back the tears and I leave her. I was not fully conscious of the fact that I would never see, or pat her again when I took my leave of her.
The night before, I thought that I would be able to take her there and to be with her when they put her to sleep, but in a moment of weakness, after I'd said my good byes the day she was scheduled to be injected, I asked that my husband take her. He understands he says. But does he? Does he know how he will feel? Because I sure as hell don't know how I feel and I cannot explain it,
When he returns from the vet's he is visibly crying. He cannot even speak. I cannot bear to see him cry.I hold him, his shoulders are shaking. "I didn't know it would affect me like that? he said. "I did" I answered as I held him in the doorway. Tears are in my eyes, but I am still not crying as I should.
Moments later, we sit alone together in the living room. He pours us a shot of 18 year old Scotch and we toast Molly. I feel numb.My husband is speaking and he proceeds to tell me "The vet said they would give Molly some ice cream, an injection, a pain killer, she will feel no pain, and within a minute her heart will stop and she'll be gone" he said. I hear him, I sit watching him from across the room, sipping my Scotch.
I feel the tears well in my eyes and the lump in my throat. I heard this voice screaming at me in my head (Not literally) "You should be with her, you should be with her, you callous bitch" and my husband continued, "They asked me if I wanted to stay while they did it?. "I told them No" he said. His voice sounded distant and far away. I could not hear him due to the other voice in my head telling me "Molly is alone, completely alone with strangers with whom she is about to die and neither of you are with her. Why aren't you with her Lynn-Marie? This isn't right. You coward. You'll regret this for the rest of your life." I told myself. I hung my head in shame and remorse. I said nothing. I never told him how I felt.
We were to go and meet our two granddaughters ages 4 and 2 for a sleep over just then, the three of us grateful for their visit. They were a welcome distraction. "The vet said they'd call when they had done it" he said. But they never called before we left, or after we returned. On route to meet the girls, I wanted to call the vet and see if they had done it and tell them to wait, I would come and be with Molly after all. But I didn't. Why didn't I go?
We were glad to have the girls overnight because their presence helped ease the pain a lot and kept our minds off of the fact the dog was no longer with us.We returned after meeting the girls to find Molly's empty feed and water bowls in the sink. My heart sank. I knew she was gone by now. I washed them quietly, Ian took them to the garage, the girls didn't ask about the dog, their mother had told them earlier that day that Molly got sick, died and went to heaven. I wasn't even certain if they knew what that meant, but if they asked any questions I would answer them as simply and honestly as I could.
Never to see Molly again, that reality never really hit me full force until this morning,upon waking to an empty hallway and not finding her by the back door waiting to be let out to pee, or fast asleep on the carpet. I resisted the urge to cry while my grands were here. It was only after my grandchildren went home with their parents this morning and my husband went to work, and I was alone that I thought of Molly and all of the years together since she was a pup. I never even realized how much I loved her or what she meant to me until then. My heart stopped, the breath caught in the back of my throat, the lump grew bigger, and the storm came, and when it came, it was a tsunami. What began as a drizzle, tear eyed turned quickly to a complete downpour. I sat in the wash room and I sobbed. No one saw me, no one heard me.
What I share with you is the fact that I did not deserve a dog like Molly. I took her for granted. My sister took better care of her, lavished her with more attention, was a much more avid animal lover and all around better human being than I am or ever will be. That is what hit me, that is what I confess here in this blog and that is what will forever haunt me. I will never have another dog, not only because I cannot put us all through that again, but mainly because I do not deserve to have one.
I felt GUILT, I felt ANGER and I felt SHAME for all that I have previously mentioned and that I did not remain with my dog when she took her last breath. I was there with my grandfather and my mother in law when each died, and yet, I could not hold my dog and watch a vet inject her and put her to sleep and have that dog, whom I have had since a pup die in my arms. I just could not do it.
When I finished sobbing, I returned to the living room to watch the sky once more. And like my mood and my situation, the fact the rain is imminent was clear. I knew from the pain in my legs and the emotional pain in my heart I'd experienced earlier regarding, my previously explained situation with Molly, that it is coming. It is and was only a question of time.
The sun and the clouds now are engaged in a scuffle. The clouds are becoming darker and the overshadowing the sun. The pain in my legs has intensified and so it will come soon. And when it does it will be a downpour and not a drizzle.But lo and behold, I look to the south west again and the clouds have turned from dark grey to fluffy white. Bright blue portions of sky are visible behind these clouds, and the grey ones are suddenly drifting away, becoming lighter and less intense. The dark grey clouds have been pierced by the sunlight and they too are breaking up and drifting away.
The sunlight is piercing through the front window pane and illuminating the entire living room. The beige sofa I sit upon lights up with a ray of sunshine and the warmth fills the room. It will rain today, but not yet. As I write this, hours later, the sun is gone now and the clouds are back full force. I have had my rainstorm of emotions my downpour regarding my dog. And now await a literal downpour here in my town.
I know one day, the sun will peer through those clouds regarding my grief, our grief with Molly. I know one day it won't hurt as much. I allowed myself to feel the full weight of my grief. I will find myself missing her, the grief will come in waves with little reminders. I will never forgive myself for not being with her or being a better owner. That is how I honestly feel. More guilt weighted upon that which already exists regarding the previous losses in my life, more regrets that I hadn't done things differently.. Saying good bye to Molly was by far more difficult than I had ever expected or imagined. I feel like I hadn't truly said good bye to her as I was not with her when she actually died as I should have been.
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