Well meaning friends.

September 6th, 2014

The other day I  had commented on my personal Facebook page how I was a bit depressed due to the fact that my eldest two granddaughters were beginning junior kindergarten and I would not be minding them regularly any more. I realized how quickly they had grown up and this rite of passage though expected had come too soon. I felt I was entitled to my feelings. I thought it was normal for parents and grandparents to feel that way. I even stated I felt mildly depressed. I thought it was a common feeling whether one suffered from a mental illness or not. Was I depressed, or just feeling sad? The word "depression" stirs up a lot of confusion even with those who battle it daily and to various degrees. And with the sudden suicide of actor Robin Williams due to chronic depression, the mere mention of that word throws people into a tizzy.
I received a private message from a well meaning friend who herself battled crippling depression for many years. She stated that she was sorry to hear that I felt that way, that she thought "I was over that" meaning my bouts of depression. She suggested I should focus on my loved ones, and how there is so much suffering in the world. How should one interpret any of this?
This floored me. How could one innocent comment be so misconstrued? How do I respond to this? Firstly, I took a deep breath and remembered that I knew this person for a long time. I knew many intimate details of her life. I knew that she meant well, so I did not respond straight away with a knee jerk reaction. I let her know that I knew she meant well, but that bipolar was not something "one gets over." It is incurable but can be controlled with the right treatment. Secondly,  I pointed out that I had indicated in my original post that I was mildly depressed.
I suppose now in hindsight I was, but perhaps I was also a little sad. Can I be depressed and sad too? Had I used the wrong word to describe how I felt? If so, it would not be the first time and it certainly will not be the last. I have always had trouble identifying my emotions. It took me years to be able to express them verbally.
I immediately felt misunderstood, judged, and was rattled by this response from my well meaning friend. I felt my feelings were discounted and my situation was not important. It did not help when she proceeded to tell me how she had pulled herself out of her almost lifelong depression for the sake of her grandchildren. Which implied that I ought to be able to do the same thing without her coming out and saying it. Whereas, I have to take medication to battle my demons and stabilize my moods. For me, there is no other option. But this was not a debilitating depression I was experiencing.I even said so. Why all the fuss? Perhaps I was not depressed at all. I had merely used the wrong word to express my emotions.
Her comment made me feel as though my will was not as strong as hers was. Does this mean that I am weaker by nature, I have a character flaw, or that my faith is not strong enough? Not by a long shot.It means I have bipolar disorder and she does not. I have been struggling with this disorder for twenty five years. I have good days and bad days. But there are different forms of bipolar.  And there are various types and degrees of depression. Though my disorder is diagnosed as Bipolar I with psychosis, for me, I have experienced more mania than depression. I have not had a psychotic episode in 17 years.
The medication I am taking, and thankfully I only need one drug, has kept me stable for the last fourteen years. The one I was on for three years previously also managed my disorder until I had a toxic reaction to it. I can only pray this current medication continues to work for me. It also has side effects as all drugs do and I have gained a lot of weight. But my sanity is far more important to me than vanity. I have long since stopped dyeing my hair, or wearing make up, but no matter what I do or don't do, there is somebody who is going to judge me for it.
 I also think a former toxic relationship had been a major trigger for me and since severing that relationship, I have not experienced any more psychosis. I have learned new coping skills, I monitor my stress level, I have learned to set boundaries,  I see my pdoc regularly and I take my medication, I have a strong support group. I manage a public mental health page and a closed support group. My husband, children and grandchildren are my nearest and dearest family, they bring me so much light, and love and laughter. I do focus on my family, but I also help those who walk the same path I walked and continue to walk.. I have goals. I lead a full life. This works for me. I don't share this expecting others to think what worked for me will work for them. If it were not for my faith in God, my resilience, my determination to control this disorder and not allow it to control me, I would still be fumbling in the dark.
I reached a state of normalcy back in 1997. Since such time, I have come a very long way in my recovery. When I say recovery, it does not mean that I am cured. For as previously mentioned there is no cure. But just because I have an off day every once in a while, is no reason for friends and family to think I have jumped off of the deep end. I know when I am in need of help. And when I do I will ask for it.
 During this long road from the onset of my illness in 1989 to 1997 when I last experienced a hospitalization, I became aware of the symptoms and on two occasions in between had the courage to seek professional help when necessary and alert family members as to my state of mind, and call when I am in need of a ride to the hospital, I have checked myself in more than once. In my case, I am acutely aware when I lose my mind, and seek others to help me find it. Some people don't remember there experiences whilst psychotic, I do, and I believe I was meant to remember in order to do what I do.
 It hurts when I am not allowed to express the same reactions other people would normally feel under the same circumstances. If not for my medication which stabilizes my moods, I would feel the full weight of my emotions which at times can be debilitating. So if I were not on  medication and "thought of the suffering in the world" as my well meaning friend suggested, I would most assuredly be so weighed down by the weight of such grief, I would not be able to function.