"One door closed and another opened."

September 4, 2014

It has been a long time since I have written here. So much has happened these past nine months since the death of my friend and co partner Tracey Lynn Barfield. When Tracey Lynn first died suddenly in January of this year, I felt as though I had lost an engine, or as a bird with a broken wing and was spiralling out of control.  I could not think straight and all I could feel was the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach as though falling at a breakneck speed and unable to get my bearings. I wondered how I would possibly manage without her help. The mental health pages had already grown since forming them the year before. I knew I could not manage them alone. My first thought was shutting them down, but quickly thought how many people came to depend on us and the numbers just kept growing. I thought also of mine and Tracey Lynn's vision and I realized she would want me to continue with both. It took me a while to get my bearings and back on track. But I did not do this alone.

In the beginning, when she first died, two friends quickly volunteered to help who are members of the closed group. Things happen that force change and in hindsight have a way of working out for the best. I am now back to managing things by myself as I had before I ever met Tracey Lynn. Not a day passes that I don't think of her and miss her.

 I realize I am only one person and managing a public page, a support group and a blog all by myself is a lot to take on. Though I post regularly on our public page and am often in group, I don't write in our blog regularly as I would like to.

In mid March, the day after my birthday, a friend I had not seen in over 24 years contacted me on Facebook. The first sentence of her greeting was introducing herself and asking if I remembered her. I responded that I could never forget the only woman outside of my immediate family who ever openly told me to my face that she loved me.

She said it was time she found me. I was so pleased to hear from her. As we chatted we both discovered that each had Bipolar disorder I and that we both shared a deep spirituality. She was not aware that I founded a mental health site or support group when she contacted me. She had no idea that I was mentally ill. She had no recollection of ever visiting me in the psychiatric ward at the onset of my illness, due to her memory losses from her ECT treatments. But I know she did visit as I found a record of  it in my journal. I could state precisely when she visited. I was not properly diagnosed then 25 years ago. It took two more psychotic breaks before the doctors correctly determined what was wrong with me.

When she visited me in hospital, I did not know she would later endure hardships I could not even begin to imagine. We had grown apart each living a separate life. When she suggested that had I known then what I know now, or she of me and my illness, we would have been able to understand one another and each have one person to talk to who got it. But I told her that had we still been friends and going through our personal struggles we may not have been of much help to the other, we barely had enough strength to sustain ourselves. How do two drowning people help one another without outside help? We both had to endure the trials we had and fate brought us back together at this time because we are meant to be together now. We are now so much closer than before. We discuss things we never dreamed of talking about before.

It takes a long time to catch up on a thirty year absence. My friend and I had and continue to have a lot to discuss. My husband and I went on vacation this July and flew out to Manitoba to see her. We spent a week together. I had a much needed rest and break from everything. Before we left, I ensured she knew how to use SKYPE and we now chat regularly.

I think of the many connections in my life, those I have loved and lost and the way I lost Tracey Lynn at the beginning of this year only to have another friend I cherished walk gently and unexpectedly back into my life. It truly made the expression |"As a door closes a window opens" come true. I wonder sometimes if Tracey Lynn whispered in my friend's ear to contact me. If so, I could not have asked for a better birthday present.